all of mine...

I am only 21 years old.
Why i deserve this??
I really don't understand.
Why I have to undertake all of these??
The people who should treasure their life, they don't.
The people who deserve a better life, they don't.

My job:
I like my job. I could find what i need during working. It gives me a lot of sense of achievement.
I can feel I am SOMETHING. But as time passed by, things do not go smoothly. There are a lot of obstruction. There are people who stand by you. There are also people who block you from what you aim to do. I am just simple. I don't like tricks. I don't like to act. I don't like to wear a mask to face people. This is a place where make me grow. This is also the place where lower and lower my confidence and my pride. To stay or leave is the current topic which keep on popping up in my mind. No one could make decision on my behalf. No one could understand as well.

My study:
I can feel that. I am no longer the form4 form5's Beh Seea Yeang, the top 5 student in the class. I can feel how tiny I am when I look at them. Project Manager, Senior QS, Consultant QS etc etc... I can see how unknowledgeable I am when I listen what they are talking in the class. I don't know politics. I don't know economics. I don't know about investments. I don't know about the famous pretty well-known architects and their projects. What the hell. APA-APA PUN TAK TAU.

My family:
Sorry. I really need to apologize to my mom. I am failed to be your daughter. I could not help you much. In monetary term, we have argued not less than times of finger numbers. I still don't know how to manage my finance. I still have to learn. Give me some times. I admit, sometimes I put the blame on my family. I blame why I cant just live as how my friends are right now. I am not as caring as before. I let you do all of the household chores at home. I don't help for the excuses that I am tired of my studies and works. I dare not to shout to my superior in office and so i do that on you at home. I am really sorry for this. I can't really find a way to deal with these. My pressure, my hard feelings, my hesitation, my uncertainty.

My relationship:
There is nothing much I can talk about. I don't expect on this at all. I had a failure on that time. I do not want to put it in a same situation for my next relationship. That's all what I can think of it.

My friends:
I chose to put it in the last, because I really don't know how can I describe this in words. A "SORRY" can solve?? No. I don't think so. We are not 3 yrs-old children. "SORRY" is not what she wants and what I want, too. Now I know, what my mom told me before is a fact, "friends could not be your forever". I refuse to accept this because I believe that miracle always happen in my life. I thought that I have met you all is already a miracle in my life. I don't have the pretty long list of friends in my mind. When I feel like to have dinner outside, the one I think is you. When I feel like to have some fun, the one I think is you. Its always you. It sounds so lonely. "why you only have one friend de meh???" I always ask myself. Now,perhaps I don't have even ONE. Do I deserve this?? I really don't know.